scrub!!!!

'tare zameen par' reminds me, i had a strange teacher !!!!!

SAVITA WALI- class teacher of k.g.-D

she liked pretty children i guess.
i dont remember much of this...
i must have been really bothered by her constant nagging and scolding. according to her i needed a proper bath...and my neck which was darker than the rest of me would become clean.
the problem is that i was born with a skin color, which my mother says, was close to the winter grey woollen socks which i wore to school.i have always been very particular about getting the colours right.:)

i must have believed her... and i had asked my mother to clean my neck.

the part which i remember is this...


my mother, as usual was waiting at the bus stop to get me home.i must have told my mother that my class teacher travelled in the same bus everyday. when the bus came, i got down, my mother asked the driver to wait and then turned to me to identify the teacher.
Savita Wali.. had the time of her life that day , im sure.
she never bothered me after that...though she never could bring herself to like a 4 year old girl with a black neck.

you can see a picture of savita wali in a group photo.in my other blog.http://sanjukta-only1.blogspot.com/
under the cation 'class of 84'

dusting dust...

all babies look alike...
all old people look alike...
why fight to be different when we end where we begin....

nailpolish!!!!

an usual scene in kolkata's morning.
bus stop, tea stall..people gathered...all kinds of people...
some who are waiting the bus, standing there,
some who are on their way back home with bags of vegetables and fish,
bus drivers, conductors, beggars, shopkeepers,and the lazy good for nothings.
every one flocks around the tea stall under the banyan tree every morning. They chat, read the newspaper aloud, protest against govt system which wrap neighbourhood problems. everything here happens in chorus. everything either goes down with small gulps of tea or goes up with cigarette smoke.

among these men and sari clad women there stood a figure sipping tea from the clay cup. very short hair, not too tall, not too short,broad shoulders,masculine wrists with a round silver watch, a bunch of papers folded in hand. denim jacket over polyster trousers. rubber slippers....he turned around!!!!
its a woman...her face didnt show it...her body did...
the face had a tough expression.no sign of facial care...
people just passed her by, even pushed their way away, not even a second look...
not that she was too old, she must have been in her mid 40's.
no jewellery, no make up. men who bumped into her wouldnt bother to apologise, because they never realized it was needed.
she must have been like this since a very a long time.may be she lives alone and she doesnt bother.may she is too busy to bother. may be she had parents old and sick and she forgot all about herself while taking care of them. may be she is the only one who earns and she thinks spending on the look of a woman is expensive.may be she has siblings but they dont bother. may be they were dependent too and she thinks they deserve it better. who knows!!!
may be her heart broke and no one pampered her out of it.
whatever it may be ,she thought needed to become more of a man just to fight being considered as a 'woman' and she thought this appearance would help.
or may be she never liked being a woman and she thus never liked make up!!!??....

how could that be!!!!
she has awlays liked being a woman....

she had red toe nails....

november thinks...

She is November-Unpredictable.

When you have just about thought it was beginning to be cold, the afternoon sun would burn a hole in your skin. Just about when you would have started enjoying the pleasant sun, a chill would set in. It would never let you relax in your chair with a cup of tea. You would be kept busy figuring out the right way and the right words but it would always be mysteriously unpredictable.

She loves January
Foggy mornings that freeze her nose and finger tips.  She stays out when it rains. The icy wind on her eyes and hair thrills her. The smoke from her breath mixes into the fog that reminds her of a deliberately forgotten dream.

November often wonders-

People are often sick with cold; they know which pills to swallow to get well.
People are also often sick with fear but they don’t let go of them, or even try to. Maybe fears are enjoyable pains.

 January is addicted to it irreversibly.

Sometimes fears are like forgotten faces...you could loose sleep over trying to remember the names. That is why you need friends...to help you remember

Both January and the little girl needs friends to remember each other's names.
November wants to help January. But they don’t let her. Perhaps they both are scared. Their biggest fear- their own selves and both know about it. That’s why they want to run away from it.

Escape......
From everything...to nowhere...

January rears her fears like a consolation for escaping, the little girl simply loves being helpless.
One is being run over by himself, the other by the rest of the world.

November thinks they both are like hot air balloons with a little hole...they made themselves...

inkelab jindabad jindabad

colors were blotting out of the lights as i walked towards the aircraft...
this was my first international flight....to paris

i was so dizzy.. i had to share it with a friend...i had been talking since i reached the airport.

they got us into the aircraft.i was just settling with idea of my first international trip, etc etc...
the craft television had begun with its safety instructions...they cut it short

'takniki kharabi ke kara hum yeh uran nahi bhar saktey'

an accented male voice announced... easy dream was not so easy!!!!

i wouldnt call home...my mother knew im in air.
however i was not.
we were stuck at the kolkata airport till 7 in the morning without any arrangments from the airportor by lufthansa.the group of exporters participating for texworld were frantic. we just could miss the flight.first an indian fought with an indian, then a german fought with an indian, then a german fought with a german, and then germans and indians got together to fight in two teams of mixed cultures...
this can only happen in kolkata!!!!

we finally took a flight to delhi that morning!! and were boarded the air france next morning.i never got my window seat...:( so landing in paris, i never saw paris by night even from air. may be next time...

inkelab jindabad! jindabad!
jaliye dao! puriye dao!!
amader dabi mantey hawbe!!

inkelab zinda bad
burn them burn them
have give into our demands

a very long engagement

the most beautiful love affair i could fantasize about was made into a film... and these are some of my favorite parts....



The fifth was a "Cornflower",
the nickname for the class .
He was five months shy .
These days, everything scared him.
French canons short-firing,
the wind that heralded
the mustard gas attacks,
executions to set an example.

He hadn't been like that before,
quite the opposite,
braving storms as he helped
lighthouse keepers.
And then came one shell too many.
There you go... The winning ticket
back to your fiancée.
The ticket for a court-martial.

The first time
Mathilde and Manech made love,
he fell asleep,
his hand on her breast.
Each time his wound throbs,
Manech feels Mathilde's heart
in his palm.
Each beat brings her closer to him.

If Manech were dead,
Mathilde would know.
Since the death notice,
she stubbornly

holds on to her intuition,

like to a flimsy wire.

She never gets discouraged.
And Mathilde
is of a cheerful disposition.
If that wire doesn't lead her
to her lover, never mind...
she can always use it as a noose.
..............................
Tell me, Cornflower,
you've no one to write to?
A fiancée?

Mathilde.
Her name is Mathilde.
I hear her heart beating,
like Morse code.
We're engaged.
Luckily, we won't have to wait
till the end of the war.
Now I can go straight home
after the execution.
...................................
In what she would refer to as
her "Milly Expedition",

the sun, the sky
and nature are with her.

As a true lady, she made
every effort to look her best.
Dressed in white for freshness,
lipstick for the occasion,
eyebrows shaped.
But none of that black
which lengthens the eyelashes.
She knows that tears
can make a mess of it.

He knows about your visit.
We said

a young girl he'd dearly loved

was coming here.

He asked your name
and found it very beautiful.
He's in the garden.
He's waiting for you.
.............................
Does it hurt when you walk?

Want to see what I'm doing?

I'll show you later,
when it's finished.
But why are you crying?

Mathilde leans back
against her chair,
folds her hands in her lap
and looks at him.

In the sweetness of the air,
in the light of the garden,

Mathilde looks at him.

She looks at him...

She looks at him...

yet again!!!!!!

heart break is on its way!!! i can feel the mirror shaking already. and its begun to hurt and this is the last thing i want.
wait!! wait!! wait!!! and more wait!!!!
a little leftover hope swells in my heart and then spills out of the eye. im tired of this.
there is one who has been there all this while. what is stopping me, i do not know. the scores are rising. more votes to this shadow but my hand is slipping through.i knew there was something when i was sending dots and more dots. they were as confused as me. i didnt know what exactly was i going to miss this season!!!!!may be i needed to be in ahmedabad and all this wouldnt run in my head.
im complicating things.....
but they are not as simple as they offer to be...
stop fighting for them woman!!!!
fight the war that is to be fought for yourself.
let them fight their place in your heart. for your its your heart, should be wanted not played on with.
i dont want to run away again...i dont want run away from this city, no not again!!!!
its not going to happen, it cannot happen, i will not happen!!!!!!!
not with someone who is so visible all the time...
turn invisible woman
but what were the magic words!!!! i cant remember....

book begins

my mother says she was a very happy woman when i was inside her and that happiness got into me.
i am always happy.
they saw me smile even when the doctor told me my ear drum was blown off beyond repair.they saw me smile through that whole week when i didnt sleep a wink, and they saw me smile when the train left the station landing me in a place from where i had no clue to my future.
happiness became my manufacturing defect i guess.
no one ever will find out what actually happened that night after he left me there on the floor with a broken face, bleeding and completely helpless.and how the next morning the world began changing in front of my eyes.friends became so called friends and strangers became gaurdian angels.
here began my story, or here it changed i dont know but surely it broke down rusty bridges between the souls of my past and my future. new bridges were being built.every stone being laid was paid for with sweat, blood, my soul and prayers.
today i have crossed that bridge. i am standing on another edge, fearless and fearful.
today i do not fear death even, i have nothing to loose for i have lost everything i could, back then.
i fear the shadows of my past, it is said shadows will always follow you. i fear rejection, i should get used to it now perhaps.
yet i choose to be foolish at times. time and again i forget i no more have the liberty to choose. i make my choices and get hurt again and again. the difference today is that i can handle it....like anyone can.

the shadows of past is however something i still havent been able to cope up with. i have often surrendered to pain when memories bring back memories and i hit the questions...how much more of this? how far??? when does my ordeal end? when will my debts be over???
and i get no answers....

once someone anonymous sent a sms to someone...the message came to me

when god answers your prayers he is increasing your confidence
when he delays he is increasing your patience
when he doesnt he knows you can handle it

i never deleted that from my phone...
it came on a day when i was praying hard for death to come and finish my story.it may be a miracle, a sign that asked me to not act a chicken, a sign directing to a greater cause, may be this piece of my writing for everyone.

.....................................................................................

year 2001

two years after the earthquake struck Bhuj i realized it was a sign of what was coming in life just two days after 26th january 2001.
i joined for my internship the studio grasim on 29th january and would be reporting to the group design manager Pallav Chandra and the brand designer Parthasarathi Mitra.
entering a corporate office was more than one could have asked for specially when one from one those institutes which were counted second line institutes for design.
i was not embarressed of being a student from the pearl academy of fashion, but definitely quietened by the magnified stature of the other institutional attitudes. i was just a beginner and these were probably big and rough players of the industry who trampled unassuming creatures like me and contributions considered unworthy of being counted.
this time also i had gone through an immense make over physically and the way i looked.people had just begun to know that i existed.i was enjoying the feeling of the worlds coming together the way i hadnt dreamt of.

contd....

I need answers

every sunday i sit with the old man to discuss legal matters...and i hear hymns from the local church.
the church is owned by the local 'holy child' school.. a reminder of my childhood.
holy child auxilium school, delhi... that is where i began in 1983 and here again i am trying to begin again by ending a time that began where it begins today.the sunday mass hymns seem to back my spirits, that are slowly breaking down with every visit to that old man.
strangely as im deteoriating physically and mentally into fragments, each one loosing its meaning and identity, the hymns feel like my mother's lap slowly taking me in and soothing my hurts with her touch.
i dread that chamber with huge racks of dusty books and chonicles of law. everything there is haunted, everything whispers and everything stares at me. when i speak my truth, everything mocks my existence and promises to wipe off every evidence of my innocence.
what can law do to give back the time i lost... the time i wasted... the only crime i committed
what can law bring back except fearsome memories...that is not justice...is it??
what can law create...it accuses me being a social offender because i stood up for myself, dared to everything that i deserved to do for myself...
again...
answers anyone??????

Another fade out...

ha ha ha!!! to start with!!!
lifes like that... the thrill is in the chase says one of my friend.. and when they catch your attention...everything fades out....
thats exactly when you begin to realise there were better options you lost out on.
thats just one story there....

days are running low again...
a very important phase of my life seems to have begun and i can see a dusty whirl-wind approaching from a distance...
just one meeting , one recollection of what everyone calls a social catastrophy and what i call a terrible mistake, and im down there again...spending sleepless nights ... the subconcious fear of a nothingness and helplessness is creeping back.
this time its coming back with another 'pit' which i have again and again... the feeling of being a social outcaste, being avoided by friends and aquaintainces even family...
at such a time...the pitfalls that i am avoiding, the way i am doing them are not so approved by what people call 'normal'
i cling to people who barely care what im going through.
i am ruthless to the ones who really care.
i wander alone through the streets of my city till i realise my legs are hurting too much and in the evening expressions become my poems.
i dont eat till im feeling dizzy.
and i look for attention from all of these people.
i may or may not cry...these days i curse myself if i feel like.
i call up or sms everyone on my list of contacts.they may or may not respond...

like someone suggested i have started reading again....everytime thoughts try to wander i cage them in the pages of the book im reading...and it works....

why am i writing all of this?
because i guess these pages have been my best friend always...truest to keep all my lousy write ups and understanding to everything under disguise...
and im the most needed, consoled and cheered by whatever i express...
a new day is yet to come...it would be a long night again...before 'it' gets over...
and till then my prayers shall be here...

He likes me.. likes me not!!!!!!

he likes me..he likes me not....

This is the same story every time...
only one character changes and therez a 'kahani me twist' everywhere

A mistake??? my imagination??? or i deliberatley always read it wrong??

'Stupid woman block your brains, work harder, buy comics, have a brownie, GO... SLEEP'

Arent you curious now...

characters: me and mr. never to be'

story 1:
He sprouted from the pages of my pen friends'.i had a few pals around the country.we didnt have the internet then.. and we wrote on paper. he was a medical student in the silchar medical college.i was in my end school days
letters exchanged, and then one day he decided he liked me or more so he has fallen in love...after a year of penning letters,mushy cards,we exchanged photographs... and decided to meet one winter in kolkata... when i was coming for my cousin's wedding and he for a semester break...
we met , he made me realize how ugly i was, talked for two hours and that was the end of the 'love'...
.. my first heart break...

story 2:

characters: me , mr.never to be 1, mr.never to be 2

My graduation days...
I couldnt decide which one to do with...
it was probably the aftermath of studying in a girl's school for 14 years.
since i was so indecisive about either..i decided not to decide anymore....
resultant..some of my friends were really angry coz i acted a bitch hurting their friends in the chain...
well, there were no heart breaks..coz there were no revelations here....

one of them is happily married today...and is a good friend to me:)
i have no clue what happened to the other

story 3
characters: me, the greatest psycho
This i cant summarize... is all i can say..
it was the worst nightmare.. i was with the greatest psycho of the world...
it started with a immature girl getting a lot of attention, the first time she stepped out into the world to make a career and ended with a emtionally and physically broken experience...which i havent still been able to recover from.

story 4
characters: me, the knight
He emerged from a bet played on a old hindi song...that one i won.
It was love for me i know for sure.. what i still am not sure of is what it had in store for him. he was the knight who kept me alive when i was supposed to die. he spoke, listened, supported, loved, cared...or so i imagined.
then when time came to be a real man...he couldnt find his balls...

He is a 'happily' married man today.
..I bet i lost it bad....:)

story 4
characters: the brain fucked me, mr emotional

Everything was ok with him...till..
he cried..and cried everyday
and called upmteen times a day
and wanted me to run to him leaving everything
and we had nothing substantial to talk about
and called every hour and my ears hurt....

...I couldnt handle it.....I cant handle emotional overdoseS.....

story 5
characters: The confused me, mr. could be...(a would be never to be..perhaps)
He likes me!!!! He likes me not!!!!
He likes me!!!! He likes me not!!!!
wait woman!!!go woman!!!!
why does he call!!! why doesnt he call!!!
be careful woman!!!
hint hint hint!!!!!!
no way! no way! noway!
why do i think so much!!!! go have a brownie!!! go sleep!!!!

...I havent got a clue about whats going on...
i know it too will end up in another heartache...but i smile when i think of him...
:)

Yesterday

yesterday's rain brought back memories from another night
its about time i gave it attention..though im not sure the intensity would be understood..

i forgot my umbrella in the office yesterday evening
and this story has nothing to do with it...though loosing it helped me feel a moment gone..
i was in the cab, while the evening poured its frustrated fury on Kolkata..
the cab boy was a little nervous as he spoke of how he would go back home in such a calamity....
even the wipers on the windscreen were failing to do their job
i spoke to him...to keep his fears distracted....
and i remembered....that night i had wished ..someone was there......

those days i was in ahmedabad, and working 3 jobs at a time,nid, cfm in delhi and for anirudh.i had just moved into a penthouse..dirt cheap rent....had painted it myself that had cost me a night...hand dipped in menthol balm.
monsoons had been just a few days old...
that day it rained heavy ...
i come back home to find a part of my kitchen floating...water slowly moving into the sleeping area, which was also my working area those days
i tracked down the leak....a switch board on my kitchen wall....
the kitchen wall was in the direct path of the torrent....with almost no shed over the window
i hardly had any arrangement to take care of the leak....

and this is what i did...
first i set few cooking pans and 'dekchis' to hold the dripping water....
put 3 old dresses...to stop water from flowing around on the floor....
i walked out onto the terrace, in the rain, my weapons...a few polythene bags , nails and a hammer.....
yes, i tried fixing a piece of polythene on the other side of the wall , on which water was pouring,to at least wade off water to another direction.....

miracle...it worked...or was it desperation....

i put some brown tape across the switch board.....
that nite was peaceful.....

next day:

i bought some 10mtrs of plastic sheet.....

by the time i was home that day...the winds were very strong and it was pouring pretty bad....
i carried the sheet out to cover the outside wall...tried climbing the tank above the kitchen....went dizzy.....came down all shaking....
a little thought....
i collected as many bricks as possible....
i had a whole bag of cement...which had gone rock hard in the rain the day before...
climed the window...to reach the shed...every time picking a brick and placing above the shed....
then opened the plastic sheet....
the wind was so hard that keeping control was very difficult u can trust me....
hanging onto the window by one hand and plastic in another..i dont know how i managed to place it under the bricks....
then locked the rest of the plastic on the floor with more bricks...and a bagful of solid cement.....i had to roll it down onto the sheet, with all my might.( try it sometime..ull know what im talking abt)

that covered the wall on which the switchboard was..as well as the terrace door....keeping out chances of any water seeping in again...

i hadnt realised how strong the wind was....till the bricks on the top of the shed fell.....i needed to put more weight.....i needed to get out again in the rain....
and as i stepped out again...i reailsed there was trouble.....it was lightning
right above my terrace....all around...it looked fiercly beautiful....but i had to do what i had to....
i probably will never be able to explain what it felt.......
i was scared......alone...in the rain...fixing the leak and praying.....thats not the way i should be dying..i had thouht then......
somehow i finished my job....

that night i wish someone was there...
this i felt again...when the taxi left me half a km away from home....and i was drenched in the rickshaw....
i couldnt be brave that night.....may such nights never come ....for anyone...

21.06.2007-23:47 hrs

time is moving faster than i thought it was.the incidents that happened ever since i moved out of bangalore have almost never left me alone even in my dreams.
whenever i think that i may have forgotten them, things are moving for the better and now , may be i can sit back and relax to buy some little comforts that i need , i am reminded that i will have to live , sitting up, watchful all the time.
these days sleep comes easy...may because i dont think too much , may because i think too much about work( and i love it), maybe im eternally tired....
when i think i ususally ask mysel few questions......

would it be better if things didnt happen the way they did? would anybody react just the way i did? what would it be if i was still there? what if i died that night?

answers are never black or white...sometimes i console, sometimes i defend ans at other times i rip apart my soul toput my finger and admit ive been a bitch....
nevertheless....what happened back then haunts me tonight even.....
though memories have started to blur, im more settled with the fact that i shall never be able to settle, and that i shall have to talk to myself making strange faces sitting alone in some cafe( like a woman i saw few days back), a subconcious fear doesnt leave me.
fear of what sanjukta?what scares you? you didnt die that night.....you are not scared to die ar you?

no not fear of death.....fear of a blurred past.....takes shape of immense anger...i become the bitchy boss, scream at my karigars for low standard work( when on other days i reject work peacefully suggesting changes). at the end of the day, back home when im alone.....i dont want to talk to anyone....get rude...cry at simple remarks...cry for nothing.....cry till my eyes hurt.......and then sleep......

am i not praying too hard? or are my past life's sins still to be paid for....
yes these sound like stupid ideas....well....you would say so too if nothing worked except prayers......

To take the plaster off

may 9, 2007

No do not worry.. it wasnt a plaster...it was just a sling......
here comes the story of my doctor in person
yes the husband of the lady doc... and the niece to doc DB

Dr. c. bhattacharaya one of the finest.....and i have no doubts on that

i take an appointment and meet him
on telling my problem he recollects his wife had spoken about me...( am not sure what)
he checks my x-rays and finds the problem.. and sentences me to 3 weeks of sling imprisonment...
before which a set of questions were asked:

doc: did u apply ice?
me: no..i dont have ice at home
doc: what does that mean?
me: i dont have a refrigerator
doc: how do u survive?
me: like people did before there came the refrigerator
doc eyes popping out...gosh

2nd appointment

doc: so how r u feeling now?
me : better
doc: ok lets check, take the sling out
after i take it out....
doc: are u actually using that thing... the way u took it out im doubtful

3rd appoint ment

the sling is taken off....
he notices a black mark on my right wrist

doc: whats that?
me: ergonomics problem of all computer keyboard tables
doc: what does that mean?
me: it means product designers need to think and make nicer tables
doc: has his laugh.......

yesssss i am big bugger........

The doctor that i had

After i realised my hand needed a second opinion i got through a contact of an ortho in kolkata through a friend....
and so i called up

saturday....

man on the phone: no more appointments today for dr. d.bhattacharaya
me: what about tomm?
man on the phone: yes, come by 5:30 in the evening
me: the address?
man on the phone gives me a address

sunday.....5:30 at the given address

the given address i realise is a huge house..the residence of the doc
after i ring the door bell a young woman comes outasking me who i wanted to see.

me: i have an app wth doc d bhattacharaya
her: dr d bhattacharaya doesnt see patients on sunday
me: but i have an app, i spoke on phone wth someone who gave me this address
her: dr DB is my husband's uncle and im not sure who gave u the app. i can call and find out.
plz come in

i was seated in their living room- so doctor like house...but a huge old house

she calls dr DB who says he knows nothing of the appointment.

her: my husband is also an ortho. if u want u can show him ur problem. what happened?
me: yeah i would be fine to show hi. i had an accident and now i cant move my hand...my work involves my left a lot...i cant even sketch
her: what do u do?
me: am a textile designer
her: oh.......,..................

Hence on she blabbers on asking what is designing all about..and tht she didnt know much about it...then comes the interesting part

her: my niece is interested in designing...she was thinking of some part time courses..wud u know of any?
me: not really...i never looked into them, wud tell u if i know of something
her: she is looking for some part time job too, she will not take it as a profession...but....
me : i donno know of any...but i can ask my boss
her: yeah sure...but she doesnt want to be a salesgirl mind u
me: totally struck by i donno what......

her :we have this girl at home..she never got married coz zhe got polio in her childhood, she also does a lot of designing

then she gets a beautiful sari ruined with blotches of white block prints

her: look this is how she makes saris look different, isnt this nice
me:...mmmm...yea... yeah the sari is more beautiful without the blocks
her:...no...they are not...its so nice.. so different....

i ask for a glass of water
i ask to leave.....

she stops me..says she wants to talk .on for some more time..and i have to sit...
she gets her husbands card.....tries to convince me to stay on till he arrives and gives a check up which was to be 9 in the night....
she even calls him up on the phone , discusses my x-rays....gets me a cold drink...out of which her son gets a sip....

then absolutely sure that some more time and i wud go nuts....i get up and ask to leave.....and leave for sure

This is just the gist of the two hour long encounter with the lady doc...and i walked out absolutely dazed....
yes there are people who are bigger buggers than me....

whoooooffffffffffff

Encounters in kolkata

encounter 1 april 7, 2007

this happened just a few days before i met with the accident:

like every evening i walked out of my ofc, bought a lil pack of jhalmuri... and waited for the bus...the bus stop being right in front of crescent towers....
i hear someone saying- 'excuse me'
i turn around to see a man..may be in his mid 30's looking straight at me..i assumed he was talking to me

stranger- are u in anyway doing your graduation or your post grads?
me- no
stranger- are u working somewhere?
me-yes
stranger- would you be interested if i invited you on one the number one channels for a talk show on women's issues?
me- can i see your card?
stranger- would you be interested?
me- yes, can i see your card
starnger- actually im notworking fo any group..but there would be an adv in ht soon...btw its too loud here and i am screaming...can we walk to the next bus stop and talk the way?
me- no i get empty seats from this stop
stranger- u seem have quite an attitude.do u always speak to people like that?
me- yes
stranger- why
me- mommy said not to talk to strangers
stranger- what sector of the industry do u work in?
me- design
stranger- so u are a creative person?
me- am designer
stranger- im finding it a challenge to speak to..and im trying to know you
so what kind of a person are u?
me- as in?
stranger- conventonal, unconventional, radical..bla bla..
me- radical
stranger- in words or deeds?
me -both
stranger- im still screaming..can we walk to the next bus stop?
me- no
stranger-so ur radical...are u for sex or against sex
me- theres nothing to be or not to be for...my bus is here....


well....i knew the man was a fraud right when i asked for his card and he didnt produce one...
i kept talking till he took a wrong turn..i wanted to observe him..
one big itch that i got from him was that....after i told i design he said ....so u have studied in ahmedabad...that got me for a second...
his first choice should have had been kolkata...anywhere ..but how did he say ahmedabad....strange.....and why did he pick a topic where i wud agree to speak for women's issues....
never got to understand that....

encounter-2

this happened two days ago:

i was meeting krishanu and his friends in park street that evening for dinner..
his friend would come for coffee, go in their own directions and get back for dinner again...that was the plan...
and so it happened that way...
when his friends went off..
i and krish went for a small walk and some chai hunting by the streets...somewhere aa lil away frpm park street...
as we walked and talked..we passed by a young couple....walking too on the same side of the pavement...
something was definitely not right there as i crossed the two...
thus i kept turning back to look off and on to check the two...
the fouth time i look..this woman was trying to walk away from the guy and he was pulling her by her her....
by instinct.. i turned and started walking towards themmm...krishanu probably was startled....
they saw me and quitened down
half way i stopped...just because the girl wasnt asking for help...
i would have called the police but realized it would be of no use,,she would let him off....
the night and the morning next it bothered me too much....
i couldnt do anything.....i should have...
how could i not.....???? how could i could i not????
i was angry on the girl...very very angry.......
how could she let that happen to herself.....
may be i was more angry on myself than ever......

Some more Kolkata

March 10 ,2007

Living in this house , i now am trained to survive in the forests of Amazon...
i can fight alligators ..credits to the lizards in the darkest corners of my bathroom
i can survive the most poisonous snakes and reptiles...i think....the baby scorpions have sucked out some blood off me.. and have given me vampire blood in my sleep...:)
and the cockroaches..may be i can kill em cut em and eat them too....
and then around the bonfire i shall sing- 'i will survive ...'

does it sound like im going mad in this house...?
i have no doubts though....

however the broker took me to show a house somewhere near siachen glacier....and i just loved it so much that i cudnt hold on to it....

within this amazing schedule of life... i did make some time for 'real' life...

Last sunday i went tracking the tram trail in Kolkata...and one ride wasnt enough so i going to and fro from one end to another....
though it may sound crazy..crazy it is...i wanted a ride in almost all the colors of trams...
and this is what i think of the day that was last sunday...

through the city moved the little caterpillar
crawling and rattling
on its metal trail
like a rail it felt
through the narowest lanes
through underneath the greenest spread
took to the secret garden
of my dreams
red, green, blue and white
splashing into my camera..

the bottom line of my life in kolkata is ' still high and happy'

love u guys......

A closure -may be

Yet another full moon went past yesterday...
the same night like it was the last month
the only difference....
last time i sat there on the floor hearing your voice...as u watched it, and i through your voice
this time u hid, somewhere under the covers of not those dark clouds but something else...
i watched the moon and just thought...what was it

when the moon you saw..you called me
when you were feeling down you talked to me
when you needed to share a thought you would pull me close
when fight
when be nasty
when a touch you wanted
when lips trembled
it was all me
so it was for me....
what would one call it if not love...
muffled under the denials
again and again
it suffocated

Shooting dogs

March 3, 2007

With this thought i was living
i was letting these thoughts not surface, not hurt me where they hurt the most...myself
as a young girl these things never crossed my mind, never gave it, even one thought
only in magazines i had read such things
then it happened in my life
a single blow...crossed me over to another side of a line...a place where, when i woke i saw i was tagged an outcaste
just the girl i was..even today i am such...
old friends find no difference in the way i laugh
new people just enjoy the madness ,so they say
men give attention more than deserved , may be....
im still tongue tied in big crowds
still walk in the rain
still my heart beats when i feel im in love
still i cry when it hurts
still i expect ...i dream
what has changed ..i do not know
but when i woke they were all far away....they all tagged me an outcaste....
i thought the world was only divided into continents, countries and castes. i never knew there were more lines..that were not seen...but that hurt more.
i am not a girl, not sanjukta..am a ' '.......thats the identity they give me....they can never accept me....sanjukta is lost...
why these lines we draw...
why their hearts dont melt
why cant i love like once did
why cant i choose

anyone..with an answer?
........................................................................

Medusa cries

Feb 26th 2007

Medusa
my love
my sweet
through the mirror so blurred
heart of poison
eyes of fire
body of finest senses,
she loved
through the mirror
of blurred hopes
and an unseen mistake,
Medusa
my love
my sweet
a kiss of doom
a heart of stone forever
poison cried
Medusa-my love poisoned
my eyes are cursed
my heart made stone
my love
Medusa..heart burning
poison fighting love
eyes burning ...
fire fighting tears...

Through the wooden windows

February 26,2007

As i travelled last afternoon in the bus...
i wondered -was i running dry of tears..
was it all over..
for i hadnt cried...for days
or even mean to
then in the evening
the skies showed
it rained my heart
not in pain
but in joyous pleasure
they speak
they know
they love
they rain my thoughts
and sprinkle my dreams on my face
and then lightning strikes
to see how i blush
with diamond dreams
on my silver skin

february 19th 2007

February 19th 2007

anklets paused...
when i woke
it was dark
silence
it screamed
from underneath my pillow
i gropped my blanket
crouched against the wall
cold cold cold everywhere
yet my hands wet
lump in my throat
not even me i want to know its there
strangling my breath
i silence my myself
when did i speak?
when did i breathe...
why did i last
whos heart beat in mine...
why why why
this night why this life....

Cricket madness

February 8, 2007

yesterday was hectic...very very hectic..
everyone jumping around with work, cribbing work is not in full pace..hammering the karigars..tension in the air.. next week everyone leaving for the Paris fair...one can imagine the panic and workload....
today morning..half the office has vanished...
my boss and his uncle is nowhere to be seen..
karigars are not picking up our calls...those who are ...are refusing to come and take work today...
streets-almost devoid of people.. a greater holiday than 26th january, muharram...?????

no its the cricket match in eden garden.....

The goddess

January 22, 2007

This whole of the last week i watched them grow from dust to "everthing" , being painted bright, getting dorned in gold leaf....
tommorow she comes
the goddess-Saraswati...Saraswati Pujo....
just another day for me...routine 10-6
but this week the streets were more colorful ...more bright than everyday...
chalky idols... all sizes of the oddess were lined up to be sold...
people crowded to carry her home...the best one in the cheapest price..bargaining ...
well that would be the begining of the goddesses home welcome.....
yet it shall be festive..
yellow all around ...children.. like once i was...clad in the yellow sari that belonged to my mother:-)..
the mother that cant be bought or sold or be bargained on......

Behala to Minto park

everyday 3d/1 takes me to and fro to my destination...yes from home to ofc and back.this has been the first two weeks of Kolkata....elevating to the 4th floor of the Cresent tower the glass lift faces the hoarding of my favourite actor-soumitro chatterjee..that calls him a royal stag...that sure is my stag..:-)

the ofc shutter i have been opening as i reach ofc the first..Hari sleeps in the ofc...

the very first week i broke the chai glass...

well interesting strange things ...

it seems me and my boss almost agree to the same designs , same concepts and drink chai out of the same glass. thank god there was a pair of them untill i broke one...

Hari would serve us turn by turn..the rest of the ofc is happy drinking out of little green cups with gold edges...we both need a bucket ful..

i was little uneasy as i realised that one of must be missing a turn in chai or hari must have been working extra hard washing them and trying to keep the breakage a secret...

work has been cool untill now,, although most of the the people here are pretty quiet..

thank god my old mobile phone weared off.. i had to buy a new one which i can plug in my ears for music and get cutt off from the whole world...the phone just looks too expensive...

three people are just the design team till now

me

my boss

and verma ji

till now its peaceful ...

January 18th 2007
have been exploring the places around the ofc on foot..

overjoyed to find fabindia, subway, ccd, some roll makers, good food places , jhaalmuri phuchka..everything rt there....

food is still not fixed..

dinner i have fixed at a hotel near my house.. run a by a old lady

mach bhat,torkari,daal...rs15...deal it is..

lunch im still hunting around.....someone says..eat at mansarovar.. to man.. tomm...

To Sudeshna

Tui je akhon nei... khub fanka lagchey.. shudhu campus noi.. nijekeo..
kal ratey tor katha bhabchilam...
ki bhabchilam janis?
je prithibitey bhalobasa atto kucHhit bhabey experience korlam
sekhaney... janina ki ager jonmey korechilam je bondhuder atto beshi bhalobasa peyechi...
ami ofc e thakley dekhtam tui class thekey beriye shudhu amar muk dekhey choley geli....
ei goto bochorey atto jhorer modhey diye gelam..
jodi amar money kothao bhalobasar khomota roye giye thake taholey tar akta boro karon hoyto tui
nijer proti bishash jodi firey peye thaki taholey tui sei bishasher ak birat bhagidar...
tor room e giye kendechi, ghumiyechi- amar mathay hath buliye diyechis.....hoyto sei chonya te amar mon puro puri shukotey daeyni...
kal sob bhabchilam...
akta jinish realize korlam...amara jekhanei thaki...daekha hok ba nahok....ei mone akta special tola roilo-shudu tor jonno........
cheese griller kon gulo kintu tao amar thaklo........
ektu beshi emotional hoye porechi ki????tui to janish ami kaemon....

bhalo thakish

feb-20th

To someone i thought i liked...but was an illusion afar....

who knows why...
if the path awaits
or ia it me..
waiting for a stranger
one piece of a poem
one tattered copy of 'science today'
our meeting it wrote
before i was born
1974...
all a mere excuse
u were thinking what we would talk
i, u watching as in i walk
only for one moment,
was it written
they waited decades
they waited as we grew
till in your dreams
i walked with you
down the alley of life
unrecognizable
undefinable...
unrecalled
when the truth of the morning sun
wiped it out
we are real
yet a dream
we are there
yet nowhere
in all the alleys of life...
in all definitions
unreachable...

kolkata diary-2007

To kolkata-15th january 2007

unhurt, unheard
unseen
the real unknown
truth in a package of dissappointment
disillusion
and dust
to dust my pride
begins in a city
of unchained dreams
dreams of a golden sun
of a flaky morning
still wrapped
in the mist
of a mindful light
smiling into the camera

Prothom kolkata

Entry for January 18, 2007

prothom kolkata.....
January10th 2007

ei prothom likhchi ofc thekey...
am ejoying the wrk... exciting....daekha jak sombar ki hoy...amar purono desgins er thekey dutor order achey.....maar shorir kharap...aj du din katha hoyni...ektu mon kharap achey...

kolkata...anxiety...excitement..
very strange feeling
as if i am wed once more...
nothing of yesterday i remember
only my new love-this new land....
but i still walk high
high as a drunk...
in my own world
colors blotting in kolkata

Delhi diary-2007

January 07, 2007
delhi diary again....

paharganj..

Delhi was nostalgic...nostalgia of everything..
past relived, realiztion that its the crime capital and what you see is the fake glitterati, in which you make a space when u rule the streets....
batchmates from the past who i met, saw everyday,but never even thought of sitting down and having a cup of chai were the friends rediscovered..never had i thought i and prem. could jabber on for hours..riding behind his bike..feeling the icy wind on my face..the first few days i was wrapped in woollens ..gloves..
then decided to catch the wind... took off my mufflers and gloves....resultant being i have a slight fever now...however i dont regret coz i just couldnt resist catching the wind....

foggy mornings
when the distant becomes unknown
and as you move on the path ..
there emerge forms
from behind the mist ...
mist it was or
the mist was in my eyes....

:-)the streets od Paharganj-never explored..Prem took me through those those streets for the best bargains of the trinkets i love...he knows where the wrong streets begin so we didnt wander off..this is the place where most foriegners come to stay and get cheap stay, food, drugs and sex...the street full of trinket shops and amazing products is just too tempting..
in one such shop that sold trinket products we decided to enter.. prem was ahead and as i was glancing through the showcase of the shop the shopkeeper seemed to say something stern to prem. prem quietly enters...as i follow i goto the man...and say- 'bhaiya aapney unko kya bola..mujhey bhi plz boliye'...
and he smiled-he said-this is a wholesale shop-u cant get one or two things...i enter the shoplook around after seeing a lot of things.. i pick one tiny leather wrapped notebook..about the size that fits into one's palm...paid 50 bucks..to another boy in the shop..while the first man watches....
before coming out i go the first man...i say- 'bhaiyya ek hi liya...aapko bura to nahi laga'...
u should have seen him grinning...... yes yes yes.. i can make anyone smile...even the most disgruntled man on earth,
that smile was my prize of the day.....

children of heaven.....

80 missing..
bones of 32 found..
ghory it was..
32 innocent children
2 madmenthey cut em up ate em all
police also cut em
their innocence
they covered they cowered
not one voice
not one heard
stoned and now gone
32 children buried under heavy cheques
tears and blood only question
no answers...
children of heaven were they not.....

please see the news or read it....may be u are not interested...i am involved mentally with this event....something has hurt me bad.. i feel helpless...i have no connection to these people yet...im all the more connected..becoz i am human....



school friends.....after 11 years i saw them....pooja came down from boston...of school days i remember she ws tall..fat..beautiful eyes and aspired to be a modell.. she never came after the third person in class in studies...i was hardly bothered about studying..but we both had common passion of stealing tiffins, eating during class, i would sketch dresses and we would her to model for them....now she is a practicing dentist in boston, married..has everything that can make her a model....and she still has the same old charm...i met her....nothing have we forgotten of those days...the same women we still bitch about..the same things we hate and like...we still call each other names, laugh like monsters...and shop like "women"...the most interesting part..we discussed boyfriends at almost 30...ha ha...the only thing that has changed is time and space...when we both looked into each other's eyes we were living nostalgia.....i guess we both wanted to go bak in time.. once more..sit on those wooden chairs..scribble notes on those desks...exchange mischievous glances during class...shout scream...sind and dance on the desks.... doodle rubbish on the blackboard..steal chalks...roll down our socks..talk in the assembly line and walk noisily in the quiet corridors ...and never get caught......:-)those were really the days........

Delhi again....

January 02, 2007

strange it will be always..delhi...where in i lived and grew up..and grown over ..although everything around me seems to know me forever...and ever..
i now am trying jerk of the hand that clasped me and made me what i am...the other day i went to see the Red fort...all these years never had i given it much attention...the darwazas..the red stone and the cold marble..doesnt seem like the delhi i hate so much..from the top of one of the mahals i watched the traffic move ... ignoring this monument..so unaware that this the witness to their past..that the river has long dried...the river that made the chowk-"chandni"...the city by the Jamuna...that which mirrored the moon on love filled nights...made the gravel feel like gravel and marble like silver...
The masjid that stands right across...the galis and the katras infested with business men..garbage and poverty...has forgotten to shower its blessing over the people who offer their respects the most..Dariba glitters on more with money than silver...parathas and jalebi only attract hungry looks from the children who stand by and sell peanuts....
Life is a peanut here...encrusted in a shiny cover called Delhi-all frogs in the well....they all believe this is the summit..the ocean...blind people ..so blind...
However i am still singing the song of my childhood...the remnants of those days..collecting them, with most cherished moments and the smiles that were not fake....and they still arent i suppose...im carrying them all...the remains of the day just calls me for one last embrace...one last eyeing and one last kiss to the smoggy sunset...

Netrang

December 26, 2006

I remember that afternoon of Netrang..
still was the air but around there...
as if it was waiting for me...
artificial bank, yet there were beautiful shells...
i walked into the middle of it..
water till my knees..
only silence spoke..breeze lured...
i called out to no one....
the voice went nowhere...
only dust flew...
the air smiled...
and the water said-...come embrace me..scream..cry..let your anger on me..
i shall listen..i shall weep..i shall hold u..still forever....

Ashley lobo's

22nd december-06

yesterday i met another of my friend....my senior in design school.. things have changed..he looks older..has a lil tummy...but its was reunion..we shopped...actually along with his career as a fashion merchandiser he also dances with several troupes..yesterday was one such show...i was sneaked into the backstage...got to see the tech runs...shot em all in b/w..lovely forms....kids from age 3 to women and men of 60 all danced...it was amazing to see how personalties that seem the most boring off stage change when they start performing....
i was siiting with his group where there was a woman who had also sneaked in her kid- a young boy studying in class 7after they went back to where they would get ready.. i and the lil boy moved to our respective seats.. luckily i had 2 passes so the boy could sit next to me...
never had i thought the lil boy could talk so much...

he first declared that he only was growing tall and had never failed in school...started by asking me- wht i liked more- studying or playing,
if i watch football, that he was in his school team
i asked which position he played ...to which he enthusiasticaly answered-central mid field.. and that they won their match...
but at the end of the day he declared i am a extremely boring person reasons being i dont play sports, dont have a tv, or play computer games or ever want to acquire one,or possess an ipod or a car and only like drawing.... rest the show was good and love shooting pictures....

Delhi

December 20th, 2007

Delhi....

The plain cold chill here...
is all i see
foggy mornings
that clear into warm afternoons
feet in the sunny verandah
sipping some coffee
some passing by
telephone, bed and tv
all "luxuries"
that i grew up with
friends are friends
i am i
living to myself...
and to the journey
that begins again frm here...

aj 3 bochor por dilli eshe money hocchey dilli amay cheney na...kintu kosto hocchey na..paliye jetey chai ekhan thekey...kal ratey beriyechilam bondhur sathey bike y...sheeth.. thanda hawa..laglo mukhey...puronO din firey elo....Jamunar opor diye jokhon jachilam..onno diker rastay onek onek gari aschilo...divider er jaler moddhey thekey garir light gulo dekchchilam....they were looking like diamonds....in every sense dilli glitters, attracts, tempts, and then cuts to ruin...ones soul....i dont fit here....even beggars bully....
the only warmth was the old friend....catching up with old times....had chinese in a restaurent which i always passed by when i was younger...it was expensive then...my mind still was making me pass by ..but its different now....we were strolling in connaught palce at 10 in the nite.. i have never seen that place in the nite... it beautiful but scary too....with strangers measuring u up and down....

amar barir kachey akta swamp er moton chilo.. now there stands a mall with cinema halls and stuff...strange,,,, has become the appearence or difference is in my vision....a difference of 3 years...was it that long.....

december 21st 2006

bujtey parchi tumi ki bolcho.. and u r absolutely rt....amar 3 bochor to shudhu experience..kintu sei rater 1 moment e jenechilam...amar ar mrityur moddhe beshi durotto nei.. sei moment thekey what i know about life was too meagre to what i knew..now i know...that every moment is a chance to live it...never should life get a chance to complain that i never gave it a chance....every moment i live is lived as if the next moment may never come....that y cheers to every second im alive.....hoyto se ratey maar kheyechilam... god was too pissed ...i was letting life just flow past by.....now it shall never happen...i shall flow with life...:-)..

Last smile from ahmedabad....( a series of letters)

december 15th 2006

mon kharap...this empty house is eating me up..im a lil quirky right now...didnt see anyone , the whole day... some too busy, some busy wooing girls...dHurr..
jokhon maal potro jacchilo i felt.. i have no home...i belong nowhere....ilove Ahmedabad......this is where i feel at home.....donno why, but here everyone is there for everyone..still no one with anyone...
company, friends are more of a distraction than...relationships...here a smile to a stranger always made me feel good....coz it made others smile....didnt matter if i wasnt happy....
i touched every tree bark ,the wet grass, the pebbles and the glass....the threads in the loom....they seem to be weaving such mysterious stories.....i wish ...
this was my wish

december 16th 2006

hmm maybe...
nothing is sure...kichur taan thaka uchit na....no one and nothing.....everything becomes a handful of dust....not even memories are spared
even they fade...who remembers what was...what is... what it is...
chollam.....keep in touch....:-)

december 18th-Delhi

it feels wierd here...this is not my way of living..i get up every morning to do nothing..there is nothing here to do..my chai time...
i am missing ahmedabad.. im still living in that city's mode....i feel uneasy...very uneasy here....

Space.....

december 15th 2006


on the fact that u keep saying that things may change after i go to delhi....hope u can decode time and space as-tie and space and as individuals....:-)

some words...
some space...
space and time
spur pass by ...
know not
who
where
or if they met
they just passed by...
knew notthe faces
were theirs'
that they spoke of
they were fond of
they passed..
space and time
changed
unchanged
changed what
faces?
voices?
hearts?
...............

My last day at office- Ahmedabad

december14th 2006


my last day in office...
day spent in getting the "no dues", library,I.t...admin
arun gupta took me for chai...listened more than he spoke, for the first time....
gave him the ashtray i bought for him to which he said-" you are encouraging a bad habit"..:-)
a lil zonked with the few last sunny mornings in the campus....
the air is getting me high...when the rays peep though the trees and bring water in eyes...i smile in bliss...
chai...
main gate...bhajiyas...lalu...
bmw...chai...cats....the bens...
the kakas....kaka's chai...saty....saty's pjs
cigarette smoke....
the trees...the vines...the wet grass..
the mess...mural and messy food....
pebbles.. backfields..night mess...smoke....

all done with...in a smoke ..in a year.....

Blank

blank.....December 10, 2006

only if i could scrape the skin off myself......
either disgust or lust...nothing else around...
days turning into mares of the night
it doesnt end nowhere
empty are desires again
nights make them infinite
not anger not jealousy
shear pang of being the outcaste
shadows of silence have crouched quietly
only to take shape in these moments
with growing breathlessness
grows the silence
everything holding me a hostage
to those frantic moments
of beats of
fear and not being wanted
by the stranger that is myself........

kal ratey i was frantically trying everyone...bari thekey tarpor beriye gelam.....found arnab near the campus...i cant explain...but i came back only early in the morning....days turn into nightmare...its not jealousy, not anger..shear pain.....too tired.
matha ta akhon ektu state e esechey..
duh!!! sokal e i was blanked out...
u dont know what happens ... i simply get day mares even.. aj oficey ashar somoy akta lok key rastay dekhey hath pa thanda hoye gechilo... sei lokta..i thought i saw that man ..that night..again... kinda hallucinate korlam.....
it was simply disgusting yesterday...

The day i chose to begin writing seriously

December 8, 2006

in a doubtful moment
of what
to do and what not
of whys and the why nots
the power of my words
fight with my will
to express
to a man
to them
to all
this is not fear
nor inhibited emotion
just a shy voice
and trembling hands
papers await to be kissed
by the ink of my thoughts....

Suffocate-

Suffocate.....December 07, 2006

As i lay
my ears on the layer of pillows
that silence the beat
of a heart
that used to love
scuffled under the covers
fearful
yet wishful
dreaming of another heart
that lay
its beats on my breast
to rest in peace
and let me breathe my last.....

Irreversible

Dec 7, 2006

when god was making me
in the light of this earth
little did he see??
or choose not to??
the heart
that he made had too many faults
it loved
it felt
it desired
to be loved
it expected only to loved
against all icy nights
that froze it
into a perfect piece of flesh....

today i realised it...that i m an outcaste..sitting there with them i wasnt anyone.. wasnt someone they wanted in their lives....was someone who isnt anyway invited to the party and doesnt matter if they forget....

hungry ...waiting for them to call me for lunch..they are togther with each other...and the only person bothered is me...yes they still affect me....but not anymore....

they dont need me..anyhow...im not a part of their proud lives.....im just an embarresment covered with reconciliatory smiles...formal hellos and a little consolation of public amiability...that they recognize me...they know me...rest they have their lives to live...i am absolutely barred in their lives of "happy together".

i am the least of the last option...to kill unwanted time or to just to make themselves comfortable with the consolation that they are good to me...and that i deserve a chance....what chance....wha...

well.....this was the last bit my heart had to go on for.....no more does it have to anticipate...tonite i shall cry...the last time....alone.....while they are together...reliving their time....

no more shall the heart the evidence of a light existing outside....anyway how does it matter when no one cares....i join the club too....crush it...kill it......i hate it myself......

A saved piece

Dec 5, 2006

of this commotion in this room...
when silence is much awaited
even air breathes aloud
even this heart doesnt stop
footsteps of a distant....
shake my floor
the screen blurs with a blink
water spills on my shirt
from a corner that was dry
or thought so it was
may be this silence that is
and that is awaited
will release me of this too now.....
no more silence
no more commotion
only a dry parched land.....
of lost days behind
and a storm ahead.....

some words just dont come...words form in in the mind and melt away in the throat as a heavy lump unexpressed, unsaid and unformed. they never see the light of forming a complete sentence..they are fearless words fearful of the world in which it would be percieved in. they never bring to light the truthfullness of the innocent heart that so flawlessly fails itself everytime it falls in love. everytime it silences the words in its head by saying this is not meant to be , this should not happen,... this cannot happen...this is not right....

the heart howeever always fails to understand the step like treatment by the mind that always has prisoned the expreessions that every heart beat offers. with heart beat it wants to scream out its intense love..hate and pain... yet silenced always under a lump of flesh in a wave of a pulse...echoing through every vein....tirelesslessy it constantly screams all its life to tell its tales..fighting all the odds...yet never winning to the strength of the cruel mind....it always says...u are not meant to be...u cannot be...u are not right.......

words....of my heart...i apologise....my heart has lost all battles....it has surrendered to the works of the cold mind....my own ears i have turned deaf to you...i have betrayed you my heart......after all the tales of love that you told me....they have only turned out into tales of the heart.....scream all your life....no more shall i hear you...your stories...your pain....for i too now say....u are not meant to be....nothing should happen....u should not be...u are not right......i should not be....never be..



this is what my life has come to be... with nothing behind and probably nothing ahead.......probably........

Film appreciation classes

November 30, 2006

On my film appreciation classes

I have first put in a series of mails that give an everyday account of what i felt during this period of 5 days....


sanjukta only
Nov 26, 2006 1:07 PM

Kal thekey amar classes-arun gupta's...

My boss was quite taken aback... I think arun gupta thinks am mad... but he isn’t quite wrong, if he thinks so... I am mad..

Care


Nov 27, 2006 6:16 PM

first day of class...
Sokaley class holo na... Idiot er moto sharp 9tar somoy class bairey dharna diye bosey chilam
Thinking chair e boshey bose ei kobita gulo likhlam... class at 1:45....



Breeze of morning 9
Today it tastes just like wine
My mind is all with thoughts
Of the illusion in motion
And the light that shines through
The nettle of these leaves
The scent of this breeze
That tingles with early winter chills
The peahen that has eyed its love
And through it....
Floats my heart my soul
Waiting on and on.......

.........................................................

Within these endless thoughts
That my mind meanders through
Not once thinking of a thought
Void of a space and time
That melts on the skin
With the touch of a cold breeze
From the near distant winter
Today I sit
Where I once sat
To think
To remember and forget
To cry and wanting to scream
When the breeze wiped my tears
And brought time to overcome fears
A time of a year long
Now long gone
Before I saw it go by
Through my mind, my body
My thoughts that never cease....

....................................................

Winter morning
Another yearning
If sunbeams fell
On my fate and tell
When leaves fall
And peahens call
When the wind feel my hair
And in it my mind sees no "snare"
Why does it feel am in love
With no one nowhere
Yet everyone everywhere
Say I am high
And even I cannot deny
And each day I pray for this to stay
In this life and after......

.....................................................

I think I already have a crush on him...he he he... hadnt he been married I wud have tried my luck.....ha ha ha...
He is simple amazing- an excellent speaker and an amazing teacher....
Saw two short films

Jojo's cafe- French
Girni- Marathi

Really nice..
In half a days class he made me "see" films better...
Tomm's assignment- have to make a poster on one of these films...

He asked us to write about one film we really have disliked.. My choice was-Antarmahal by Rituporno Ghosh -ritu porno bolei je bhalo boltey hobey... nah-am entitled to my opinion..... :-)..500words...
Ratey poster banabo... am lending paints from kiddos....

Aj diner sheshey akta jinish bujhtey parlam

Two words- "asshole" aar " sexy" onar jibon key dominate korey. Mone hoye uni ektu conventionally extremist... Noy sob kichu kalo... noy sob kichu shada...gray shades life a ektu kom...
Janina uni life e konodin prem korechen kina
Prem korey biye korley ektu mon kharap hobey
Kintu Jodi prem Na korey thaken taholey aaro beshi disappointed hobo...

Nov 28, 2006 1:34 PM

Soul mates in my classmates???!!!..... Tomar matha kharap naki????Duh they are kids... All bloody 17 years of age... Ha ha... and u know my stand ... am the one who will take the least effort for anything like that...lol

Sokaley intsti te dhokar somay akjon daklo.. tomakey age bolini tar katha..
Jai hok...Tini akta offer dilen- akta batch naki amul diary dekhetey jachey…
Bollam amay jodi ei soptah hey keu chand e niye jawar pros tab o daey jabo na….ha ha

akta maw jar ghotona-

Aj uni attendance nicchilen...hotat bollen-" it is very interesting to see what every one you chose to wear the day this photographs were taken" karon je din chobi gulo tola hoyechey seta chilo student der NID tey prothom din

Uni bolen amaderr chari dikey ja dekhi -everything talks, everything has a story in it..
I agree I have seen that too...
with time and space stories transform, take new courses...photographs just capture one miniscule part of that change

Kolkata giye, thik korechi amar aj por jonto je sob chobi achey sob aksongey sajiye dekhbo- dekhbo amar chobir golper sathey amar golpo meley kina... tumi ki money koro? Tumi to pray sob jano... meley???? :-)


Yup jojos cafe is cool...had to analyze it though... :-)
uni je bhabey bojalen-
he says-"all great humour arise from human deficiencies, thus are great tragedies"
Koto sohoj bhabey je jinish gulor opor amara haansi sei emotion gulo je koto deep....
Poster banalam... but it was a self exercise... Onakey akhono daekhaini...

Aj”wedding "-Russian... daekhalo// ektu porey analysis hobey..

Yeah am having fun...
Got introduced to the whole class today...
Have bunch of 75 kids as my classmates... Mawja o lagchey.. mess e sabai besh ghirey bosey goppo korchey…hoyto ekhaney thekey geley aaro kichu bhalo bondhu petam

Santanu r besh hingshey bojha jacchey... Didi hath char hoye jacchey je…
Kal thekey ref-cinema tultey shuru korbo... kichu already recommend korechen uni...
Baki...sob thik....

Tomar shorir kaemon achey?

Kajer baeparey jiggesh kora... no use I guess :-)

Funny thing happened... Sara din poster ta bogol daba korey ghurlam... akbaro diney chailen daekhar jonno...Dupurey arnab er sathey cha khetey giye okey bollam- rakh porey niye nobo...
Bikeley class shesh howar por bollen... “u should also work wen ur attending... u didnt do ur poster”

Bollam korechi...

Chailen...

Bollam bari rekhey esechi...

Kal cheyeche

Kalker assignment- 5 frames from a movie I liked...

Interesting...

nov 29, 2006 6:29 PM

kal abar poster ta banatey holo- karon bikeley janlam arnab babu poster ta kothao fele asechen
Poster ta joma dewar por prothom poster tao peye gelam..
Ki rag dhorey bolo.....

today was

La pisseu-french... about a woman who is desperate to pee...
Charlie Chaplin’s- the easy street
And a documentary - the unknown Chaplin... this man was a genius... no one can be him. Believe me... he is superhuman....

I had read the autobiography before... Purota jodio porini... Akta part e giye bhishon boring legechilo..
But his early life is what one should know about I guess. Now I can justify the emotions that he put in the films..Prochondo koshto korechen oi lokta...
you cant even imagine how he grew up.. That helpless feeling...to see ones mother slowly turning mad
there's a part where he writes-" when fate is making destiny, it heeds niether pity nor justice" so true... I can see it through my own life...
aajo justice expect korina..Aar pity nijer opor o nei...though some amount of fear lingers on...janina kobey jabey.......

Have assignments again...
Kal ratey ghumoi ni... ajo hobey boley money hochey na...but am enjoying it...

Sei purono design school er din gulo firey asechey money hocchey... raat jegey kaj kora...Overnight major assignments complete kora...

Ei 5 ta din puro vacation er moto... sombar thekey ofice jabar ektu o icchey nei

shantanu amar mathar poka gulo key aaro narachey- he says i should make a small film-be it on my digi cam
subject to chatai kora achey- amar nijer oi ghotona gulor thekey ajker journey
Narrative e amar kobita gulo shudhu...
Oi din gulo teo ami likhechi.. Although they very very depressing.. All my writing reflects the state i was going through....somoy pacchi na... hathey kom time...sob kobita jogar korey compile korata ektu kothin....


Tea break e gupta asked me if i liked his lectures. To which I could give nothing more than a stupid gaily nod...with a big grin... ki bhablen ki jani…. Hee hee
Also i discovered that i was a jackass all these days... i had the right to issue any ref movie without anybody's permission....have to use this advantage now...

Charulata diye shuru korchi....

Kal thekey... It will be a trip on.... :-)
Am high on it man....!!!!!!!

Nov 29, 2006 9:09 PM

boshey boshey review likchi...double jeu(French) er opor.. Literal translation - game over.. darun cinema..... and darun film language. Parley dekho...

ei charulata dekhey elam.. ebar raat jaga...

5 ta shoter frames banatey hobey...making a story... Theme ki jano...creative reason for coming late in class...ha ha... Prottek ta shot explain korte hobey with details of sound, dialogue, sets, bla bla....

Ektu excitement...Ektu confusion.. Daekha jak ki beroy....


Tumi kaemon acho... :-)

Nov 30, 2006 12:43 PM

nah... tumi jokhon bolcho amar notice kora jinish gulo baad dilam....
5 diner classes...Thik... am thoroughly treating myself with the films available...
aj dekhlam- chap liner immigrant

ar akta documentary- anand patwardhaner- Bombay humara shahar.. aaro documentary r list peyechi porey dekhbo

Kaj sob jama porey gaechey...
Ato din ektu inferiority complex chilo... nijer anka niye...
Arun guptar pallay porey abar anktey holo...
shantanu to anka dekhey...bollo kharap anki na...:-) prothom din he felt kau key diye kaj koriyechi...he he he

Mr. gupta... Wen he speaks leaves no space for speaking... He just makes u see the world in a different way...
You start seeing things around you the way they never were. You retrospect their occurence and reason out events...
He, wen speaks adds to the voice of conscience...
It is truly a great great great opportunity to hear him speak- am lucky I should say...

That....
Life exciting na holey korey nao...
Am sure if u sit for a few moments watching the sun set and take a deep breath.. thats more than exciting...

Bhalo theko...

Jaano akta katha... i may be am lil dumbstruck after these film app classes..

kaeno jano- cinema tey ja dekhtam seta onek bhabey nijer sathey relate kortam.. Onar porabar por relation gulo aro gobhir lagchey..Relate korano ta bujhtey parchi... money hocchey prithibi tey ami aka noi je ei hajar emotions diye cross over korechey....
Guptar sathey jokhoni dekha hoy canteen e... i give my stupid grin. He he. Its kid dish...uni hoyto bujhey uthey paren na ki korben ,, he he …
Thik korechilam ghatak er cinema na dekhey onar roome jabo na..

Aj komal gandhar dekhlam...

Ageo dekheychi Tobey e bhabey noy....
i wish i could stay for some more time here in NID...my bad luck i guess
Janina jodi ami ei institute e konodin student hotam ki niye portam...nah textiles niye kono doubt nei..Tobey films are also pulling me it seems...
Likhei - doodher sadh gholey metai...He he...
Dekhi onar ki feed back ashey amar lekha gulor opor.....
....mmm... :-)

Akhon going for chai... Esshe aro akta cinema....

Bhalo theko

Series of days

these i wrote the initial days of ahmedabad....days were tough but each day brought some angel to my rescue...

May 24, 2006
this is a little piece from a chat box..what i wrote to one of my friend..my one dearest friend...saved it. if she reads she will know....she is always worried...as lost as she is..cute..cartoon but with a heart. she put me separate from the whole world...without judging my actions against the world...left a small pink shirt for me to wash and make some new shirts..left her blue towel and broken shoes too..im leaving your old broken shoes in this house....hope ur new shoes are soft to ur feet...

i asked saty if he had to take some zandu balm that nite..after all the boys went nuts at our cackle. im sure rest of the guys need some asprin too. i remember tuhin shocked out of his skeleton cage to see me take a drag from saty's cig.that morning was fun..felt like a daze as if we got drunk..guess we talked too much.....afterall there was so much to talk about...dad asked me who was reading books on how to make trucks. he probably thought i was changing my profession..ma sent u some blessing....i cut my hair...will upload the pics tommorow..it feels like a release..if i cud would have gone bald was getting tempted..had asked the dresser to cut up as much...she was shocked....

May 25, 2006
walked out of the ofc yesterday as usual..
have to make 25 designs per day now..have to speed up..
was just thinking and walking when saw samir again..sat for some chai...one new face one famliar but unknown face..smiled..told samir hadnt been well the night before....just got talking with everybody the unknown faces turned into known ones ..sourav-iit kanpur and mahesh-product design. got talking on things and things...seemed another evening will pass by engaged in talking...led them to intekab bhai's...(wish you were here..wish could walk back with you by the river again)..fruit beer..mmm the day was well done..but still got talking...sat on a swing after a long long time...it was nice talking to them...talked till 1 in the night..time flew till i was sleepy ..had to sleep ..to go home...

each day brings new people..but wish they wouldnt feel like a gust of wind on my face.....wish i could open my heart to accept more...let people in my