whenever i think that i may have forgotten them, things are moving for the better and now , may be i can sit back and relax to buy some little comforts that i need , i am reminded that i will have to live , sitting up, watchful all the time.
these days sleep comes easy...may because i dont think too much , may because i think too much about work( and i love it), maybe im eternally tired....
when i think i ususally ask mysel few questions......
would it be better if things didnt happen the way they did? would anybody react just the way i did? what would it be if i was still there? what if i died that night?
answers are never black or white...sometimes i console, sometimes i defend ans at other times i rip apart my soul toput my finger and admit ive been a bitch....
nevertheless....what happened back then haunts me tonight even.....
though memories have started to blur, im more settled with the fact that i shall never be able to settle, and that i shall have to talk to myself making strange faces sitting alone in some cafe( like a woman i saw few days back), a subconcious fear doesnt leave me.
fear of what sanjukta?what scares you? you didnt die that night.....you are not scared to die ar you?
no not fear of death.....fear of a blurred past.....takes shape of immense anger...i become the bitchy boss, scream at my karigars for low standard work( when on other days i reject work peacefully suggesting changes). at the end of the day, back home when im alone.....i dont want to talk to anyone....get rude...cry at simple remarks...cry for nothing.....cry till my eyes hurt.......and then sleep......
am i not praying too hard? or are my past life's sins still to be paid for....
yes these sound like stupid ideas....well....you would say so too if nothing worked except prayers......
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