book begins

my mother says she was a very happy woman when i was inside her and that happiness got into me.
i am always happy.
they saw me smile even when the doctor told me my ear drum was blown off beyond repair.they saw me smile through that whole week when i didnt sleep a wink, and they saw me smile when the train left the station landing me in a place from where i had no clue to my future.
happiness became my manufacturing defect i guess.
no one ever will find out what actually happened that night after he left me there on the floor with a broken face, bleeding and completely helpless.and how the next morning the world began changing in front of my eyes.friends became so called friends and strangers became gaurdian angels.
here began my story, or here it changed i dont know but surely it broke down rusty bridges between the souls of my past and my future. new bridges were being built.every stone being laid was paid for with sweat, blood, my soul and prayers.
today i have crossed that bridge. i am standing on another edge, fearless and fearful.
today i do not fear death even, i have nothing to loose for i have lost everything i could, back then.
i fear the shadows of my past, it is said shadows will always follow you. i fear rejection, i should get used to it now perhaps.
yet i choose to be foolish at times. time and again i forget i no more have the liberty to choose. i make my choices and get hurt again and again. the difference today is that i can handle it....like anyone can.

the shadows of past is however something i still havent been able to cope up with. i have often surrendered to pain when memories bring back memories and i hit the questions...how much more of this? how far??? when does my ordeal end? when will my debts be over???
and i get no answers....

once someone anonymous sent a sms to someone...the message came to me

when god answers your prayers he is increasing your confidence
when he delays he is increasing your patience
when he doesnt he knows you can handle it

i never deleted that from my phone...
it came on a day when i was praying hard for death to come and finish my story.it may be a miracle, a sign that asked me to not act a chicken, a sign directing to a greater cause, may be this piece of my writing for everyone.

.....................................................................................

year 2001

two years after the earthquake struck Bhuj i realized it was a sign of what was coming in life just two days after 26th january 2001.
i joined for my internship the studio grasim on 29th january and would be reporting to the group design manager Pallav Chandra and the brand designer Parthasarathi Mitra.
entering a corporate office was more than one could have asked for specially when one from one those institutes which were counted second line institutes for design.
i was not embarressed of being a student from the pearl academy of fashion, but definitely quietened by the magnified stature of the other institutional attitudes. i was just a beginner and these were probably big and rough players of the industry who trampled unassuming creatures like me and contributions considered unworthy of being counted.
this time also i had gone through an immense make over physically and the way i looked.people had just begun to know that i existed.i was enjoying the feeling of the worlds coming together the way i hadnt dreamt of.

contd....