one more step

26th February 2009

"are you familiar with these roads?",soma asked

"no"

the rover was driving us to the national games complex.
not a single turn reminded me of a journey i may have made through those streets.
only a few familiar names on the sign boards flashed in my memory, like the neon in their veins blind you if you look at them for sometime.

only a distinct smell I recognized. I used to walk alone often on the roads tunnelled by the tall trees, yellow mauve and red flowers strewn all over the ground. I would awe at the formation of the branches and how two trees, each bearing flowers of a different color, often had branches entangled . i could never make out which branches belonged to which tree. it was that breeze that rustled through the flowers, that brought a swarm of yellow butterflies on a sunny spring morning. i often wondered which way they were going.

Only these memories played' i spy' in the Bangalore night. and i thought about you.

The joy of being able to see an old friend was involuntarily wearied with a dazed vision of the next day. i felt irritated at everything. I didn't want to answer questions, talk much whereas she was brimming with joy, curiosity and excitement all well explained. and yet I had not much strength to respond. thus i kept taking her pictures to practice with the d40 and to distract her from the discussions. I logged in and out of gtalk, just in case you were there. though she had no clue about this dullness, I should ask for an apology for being so dull that evening and then dozing off to sleep with an abrupt notification.

Mamta shares an apartment with 5 other girls, on a 5th floor apartment of the National games complex.


27th February 2009

The ringing of puja bells woke me up!
I believe in signs
what had I been wondering about?
what did the breakfast taste like?
I cant tell, except that i think i wasn't sure everything would go smoothly. time did not in fact. it dragged through the day.
I was waiting for the sun to to set on the day.
I was waiting to say- Bangalore i shall never be back. not even in transit.

I kept my sunglasses on, inside the registrar's office. I didn't want them to know I was looking. I didn't want them to know what I thought.
This had been the only situation in my life when I had tried to neutralize my reactions and yet they worked on their own accord. I could never be opaque here.
Anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, and doubt all attacked together, when I saw Mithudi walking in.
what is this bait? what did they call her for? This was an evil trap.

The room felt hot. I had to shift my glasses to wipe my eyes. only me and her at one corner of the room. She said she wanted to see me. She wanted to see I was fine. and she wanted to say that she was happy it was getting over.
sometimes I wonder who does Mithudi speak to when she feels the need.
I have never seen her complain, I have seen her sad,I have never seen her weak. Yet when she spoke about her life I saw a line brimming up in her eyes and then going down. I saw her holding my hand and telling me to forget the 3 years that should have never happened.
Then I saw the coldness in her voice when she spoke to them. all this I saw from outside myself.
Though I still cant decide if I should believe anyone who is vaguely connected the disaster or being the savior.

After 5 hours of signatures and thumb prints I could taste food. I found the 3 pm sun soothing. to feel this relief I could give away a lot. give away everything if freedom feels like this.

On my way to the airport in Bangalore I felt I was resurrected once more. One more chance. A curse is lifting itself. The outside looked clearer. But I was restless too. The day's exhaustion, the daze of the silent drama, the dehydration, the coconut oil from the food and my happiness of home coming. I was still angry on Bangalore and vice verse. The security check pulled my moisturizer bottle out. I fought the fact that I had come from Kolkata with the same bag and had been passed clean. The airport robbed off rs 520 as the user development fee and the self check- in box refused to work. The city was venting out the last of its spite through hapless signs, which however couldn't keep me back from my future. I shall win whatever the cost may I have to pay.
That made me smile and the city frustrate and fume.

Perhaps one day I will see the city in a new way, perhaps if the city learns to behave better.

Meanwhile I'm waiting for that one last date.