Kolkata october 2009

despair

this city has still kept me friendless. only acquaintances. only faces i know.

this is different from other places, where strangers after one impulsive chat hang out together for the rest of their lives. where in desperation you can cry on the shoulder of your room mate while she insists you to have dinner.

i have tried...with common friends to get closer, with strangers to share interests but yet this place is like and evening in the campus when during a semester break. still one finds friends, after a simple introduction one chats up till 5 in the morning about the strangest secrets in life.

perhaps its the unhappy job i am in.

shital says we are in the wrong profession.
sensitive people like when trained to observe, only to observe and observe closely can ruin themselves. we are trained to spilt hairs, to find meanings in the words that are not said, to read picture the way they are not and to analyze very mole every wrinkle in all that is around us.

it is for this reason perhaps that we both have been so unsuccessful with our relationships.

i think she is in a better position than me, holding her fort which hasn't been invaded. she has been clear about what she wanted from a relationship.
whereas i have always fallen for small and big attractions, let people ruin my book of rules, resulting in a new set of rules for future.

however shital thinks i am in a better position, since i have gone ahead with experience and have always had someone beside me.

in the end we both blame ourselves.
she made her conditions audible and i never did.

perhaps its the sad house i live in.

perhaps im jealous.

everyone has a better camera than me...:( .and it hurts when people discuss photography. i began with a Cosina. and the cosina lies with the fairy tale book in bangalore. they must have burnt both. they must have burnt everything behind those wooden doors.

in 2006 i needed a toy to distract me from washing clothes at 2 in the night. baba bought me me one a small point and shoot. it brought me sleep then.

perhaps im demanding too much.

i want a better pay. travel like a backpacker without a return ticket.

i want to see every film first day first show. i want everyone to remember my birthday and throw me a surprise party. i want a twin sister and my best friend in my city. i want .. i want ... i want...

perhaps its just me who makes everyone miserable.

perhaps i have lost my sense of humour.

perhaps i should stay away