in days like these i feel very wierd.
as if i were getting ready to run away. my senses become extra suspicious. my nerves look for killers in the crowd. and my eyes keep checking if someone is watching me or following me. i check the cutter in my bag. keep it in the outer pocket and walk fast.
in days like these i feel insecure.
as if the city around me will vanish within sometime. i start calculating the funds i have. i start shaking my head to myself ...not enough! not enough!
i weigh certain options and then tears well up.
i feel the loss
loss of possessions?i practised staying away from people. so not many difficult ties.
but there has developed a most difficult one. tears spill. a gulp of water doesnt work this time.with the fear comes a realisation. that all efforts of trying not to attach myself to someone have failed. fear of a familiar pain comes flooding in. i calculate the methods of reducing the pain...and tears well up again. i have none! so i will hold on to anything to stay here!
loose?
why ! again!
i take another gulp of water!
these days my right eye swells up unpleasantly every time i cry...its getting difficult to hide.
its becoming difficult to let go. its difficult to remain cold.
but this cocktail of emotions gives me a loose tummy!
i need to sleep. tomorrow is sunday!
prayers dont help!they never have! give in and beg! thats what i have always done! it hardens the outer crust!
but then again! another sleepless night!
reading your blog is never an easy affair. somehow you bring out all the ghosts of past with painfull accuracy each and everytime you get down to write something. Curse that person who helped you to hone your expressive skills. You tend to tear away the ususal protective gears i put up to keep safe from all the things emotional.
ReplyDeleteI was listening to this soundtrack of 'my blueberry nights' when reading your post. it did not help a single bit. I do not know what to wish for you. maybe i should try with happiness. you can try the same for me....